Tribute to Marvel Skadberg

Ma rvel Skadberg
October 6, 1932 – August 21, 2004

Note: this is an unedited version of what I shared on Sept. 11 2004 at Marvel’s memorial service at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in Ames, Iowa.

By Andrew Skadberg

I have been accused of not being very organized when my thoughts come out. In that way I think I’m a lot like Mom. So I’ll start with a little disclaimer about this upcoming sharing. Some are just statements, some are ramblings, but I purposely didn’t refine my ideas too much because they came to me in inspiration. So if they don’t make a lot of sense, don’t fret they probably are not something to spend too much time trying to figure out.

I’ve been pondering what to say for the last couple of weeks—hoping for some bright inspiration. I thought about writing a poem. But only hokey ones came to me. Mostly I was not worried, because if nothing came to me I could just say the serenity prayer, Mom left that with me.

Mom gave me life twice, when I was born and gave it to me a second time (rescued from a wild un-reflected life at a fairly young age, its too long a story,—thanks Mom). And I carry the serenity prayer as my primary montra.

But my inspiration for this talk did come to me in my sleep (5:17 am in the 12 Oaks Inn in Gainesville, Texas) Thursday, as I was sure it would if it needed to. That’s about intuition—and I have an intuition that intuition is somehow related to a gift Mom gave me that I’ll talk about briefly.

This is kind of weird talking about Mom—what do you say? Thanks for everything. If it weren’t for you I couldn’t be here talking to ya’ll. No matter, here goes the thoughts that flowed into my head a couple of days ago.

Mom was the toughest person I knew. And I mean that in the best of ways, because of how she was able to bear out the challenges of her life.

She also lived with a lot of gusto-I think sometimes through her kids.

Dad told you about the time at the baseball game when Mom was yelling so loud it was embarassing me. I was pitching and having some difficulty getting the ball across he plate. Mid-stream I turned and looked directly at Mom and said "I can't pitch to left handers". Mom was always enthusiastic at our sporting events.

Her body didn’t cooperate too well. I think she got too live some of her life through me. She kept prodding (encouraging) me. And didn’t give up. And I’m still going about my life in the way that she prodded me. Don’t settle for less than my best. And just keep trying—so that’s what I’m doing. It’s been quite an adventure Mom.

I don’t want to sound arrogant, but ironically that’s what it's all about for me isn’t it. Me! That’s what Mom gave me first, but that’s not the real gift that I’m talking about.

I also know she’s not gone. Even though I wonder and have hopes for other things for her in some sort of continued existence or consciousness like heaven, Nirvana, life after death, reincarnation, or “white Lights” or anything like that—those things I don’t know—so in that way I don’t know that she’s not gone.

But, even though I don’t know about that stuff I do know that she’s not gone—really! Yes, I think I’m used to hearing the saying after people die that they remain in our hearts or other sentimental statements similar to that. But yesterday when I sat and wrote this out I really knew that she was not gone. And those sayings took on a much deeper meaning.

Here’s the gift Mom left us. . . .

She left us her heart (and Mom’s heart was about Love)(yeah Dad it's half your heart too). And today’s about you too.

And when this inspiration came to me on Thursday I understood that I had to be courageous to share more personally how I do know, that she left us her heart.

Because it’s in me.

Of course I know it was in Laurie and it's in Mark and Kari (because I know what kind of people they are), but to share about me is very hard because it’s very close to my heart.

And when I get close to there I tend to get protective and scared to open up for whatever reason that’s really not important.

I think anyone who knew Mom knew that she was dominated by her heart. Of course as with everyone there was some complicatedness to that. Coping with a heart like Mom’s in a world where troubles endure for people like they do, that’s not easy on hearts like hers. It causes some challenges. But that never stopped Mom’s heart

Again not to sound arrogant, but I have learned in this journey of life, at least to this point, that it’s all about the heart. And our journey is about finding our own heart. That is where the great secret lies. So, because I know that, I have spent some time trying to learn about my heart. Intellectually, I don’t know what that means (the statement “learn about my heart”). But in my heart I do—I think. In my mind I’m scared to talk about my heart to Ya’ll because I don’t want to sound arrogant—conceited or self absorbed, or weird, or stupid, or maybe I’m afraid because in this world I tend to get protective of my heart, I suppose in order to cope day by day with the pains of the world. But in my heart I know it’s what I would have to do, today. Why? Because Mom would have told me to!

But seriously, really, this is what Mom’s heart told me to say today. What I had to do is stand up here and share my heart with you. Because it was what I was afraid to do, but what I knew was the truth and that I needed to muster up the courage to share.

Enough of that, now to get to my point--I feel like I do know my heart. I have worked hard at knowing my heart (even though I have barely scratched the surface). It’s a good heart.

And it’s my Mom’s heart.

She left it behind—and Thank God. Now the great thing is it doesn’t stop there. Because I know it’s in my kids. Like when Devon, some years back, while fast asleep with me laying beside him, I was suffering from traumatic life changes, he slipped his hand into mine. It made me cry really hard, but I felt loved and embraced by something much larger than me at the same time.

I know its in my kids when I saw Joshua (our four year old boy) start to cry the other day when he saw the part in the Disney movie Tarzan when the mother gorilla has lost her baby, before she finds Tarzan. I saw in his eyes and his face, his knowing of the pain of the loss, but also the hope that that pain brings.

And I see it in Serena’s eyes (Mom’s newest 5 month old grandbaby). When I gaze into her eyes I see the clear deep pure heart of Serena co-mingled with Yongxia’s heart (her mother) and Marvel’s heart and the heart of Yongxia’s Mom. I can see a clear deep, luscious, pure heart that makes my heart melt. And so on and on it goes, I guess forever.

Thanks Mom, for leaving the best part behind.

Laurie´s Angel

Laurie's Angel
January 8, 2009

It seems that for much of my life I have been guided, impacted and inspired by my sister Laurie, who passed away on May 30, 1985. She committed suicide by hanging herself. This "apparent" tragedy has contributed more to my life than any single event. In fact, after the initial period of sadness and depression and my own thoughts of suicide, it has motivated and inspired me more to LIVE, and make a contribution to the world. In many respects the inspiration for I Am Sharing and all of my life's work to serve.

Over the years, my sisters influence has not only been in my thoughts, but I have experienced some of the most "other worldly" events that crossed from her realm of spirit into physical manifestation. Physical evidence came into my life that there are angels and that Laurie has been with me in spirit, and also been able to manifest objects into the physical realm to prove her existence.

Now these ideas and experiences reach far out of what I had previously considered real. My focus on education and on “modern” concepts of materiality were very grounded (now I would say ignorant). But I have always considered these experiences with Laurie, and my subsequent interpretations as being entirely possible. However, in this last year, I had an experience that further solidifies the reality that my sister Laurie, in spirit, has been very concerned about my well being and has waited for the right opportunity to share her deepest desire with me, that I might "Forgive Her". This message came to me in the most mysterious, yet real way in 2008.

But before I relay that story, here is how the whole story of "Laurie's angel" began upon her passing in 1985. To some extent the story begins in 1981. Laurie and her husband Torbjorn had come to live in the U.S. for about one year. She had been living in Norway since about 1973. I had the great fortune to work with Torbjorn with our company called Odin Associates. Laurie and Torbjorn lived next to the business so I was able to spend considerable time with her. In fact, in 1981, I was getting sober and I remember conversations with Laurie at their kitchen table. Even at this time she had attempted suicide so this whole situation of her depression lasted for at least four years. I remember I was awakening to my new life free of alcohol and drugs, and was trying to inspire her out of her depression. I think it helped some, but when she returned to Norway apparently her isolation and desperation continued.

Laurie had returned to Norway after her and Torbjorn’s stay in 1982. I remember hearing intermittent news about her struggles and visits to the psychiatric hospital. My recollection of things associated with Laurie are quite vague most of the time. From when she went to Norway in 1973, I had used the excuse that when I thought of her that it made me miss her more so I didn't write her letters. I always believed this was a lame excuse and carried a certain guilt about this, but in recent years I realized there may have been more truth to this than I felt inside.

The Phone Call
We must have received the phone call from Norway about June 3, 1985. I was actually at home and I think my sister Kari took the call. I vaguely remember it being very surreal this news that my sister had hung herself. The doctor was completely distraught on the phone. She said that Laurie had apparently been doing much better. Her mood was very good and she had been having more visits out of the hospital so the doctor felt she was faring better. Apparently Laurie had decided to quit taking some medication so we suspected that this apparent improvement was simply a result of her making up her mind of how to commit suicide. She had finally resolved to complete what had been a series of failed attempts. I don’t remember how
many times she had been in the hospital because of various drug overdoses. I only remember a few here in the U.S. during her year or so visit, and vaguely recalling that there must have been a few more attempts in Norway.

Spirit Manifesting in Physical Form
The most profound synchronistic event occurred about two days after we received the news. I had been married for about one year (my first marriage) and a friend of my wife’s family had been in Europe and had not been able to attend our wedding. Subsequently she had not been able to give us a wedding gift. A few days after the news of Laurie we received a gift from this friend, through my mother-in-law.
When I saw the gift I was absolutely astounded. It was a Lladro figurine of an angel. My mother had been collecting Lladro for a few years by then. The most profound thing was that the angel had brown hair (as compared to angels most commonly having blond hair) and she had features just like Laurie. In fact, when I brought the figurine home from my last trip to Iowa (April 2006), my father told me that the most astounding similarity that he saw was the position of the figurines hands. She had her head tilted to one side, with a loving, longing gesture inviting peace and tranquility.

The moment that we received the gift I knew, without question or hesitation, that this gift was for my mother and father. I will always remember that day, somewhat surreal, on the front porch of our home on 607 River Oak Drive, in Ames, Iowa. We had somehow met my parents as they were coming or leaving from their home. I believe I gave the figurine to my mother, and my father was standing next to her. I don’t remember my mother’s reaction. My mother was always able to experience emotions easily. My father, on the other hand, could be best described as stoic. I do not know if he had been able to cry before that moment about Laurie.

In fact, I don't know if I had ever seen my father cry before this day (I was 25 years old). But when he saw the figurine he immediately began sobbing. Since that time I have tried to imagine, being a father myself, the absolute anguish that one must have when a child passes before oneself. I believe our whole family believes that this figurine was directly manifested either through the influence of Laurie in the afterlife, or as a message from God.

Losing the Angel
Now this angel stayed with my parents until my father passed in 2007. My mother had bequeathed it to me in her will, but it had stayed at their home until he passed. In 2007 I experienced an incredible year of tumult beginning with the passing of Dad the day before my birthday. In fact, I first saw him at the hospital, already clinically dead on my birthday. Thus began a series of "apparent" tragedies including a divorce, another painful relationship ending, the letting go of a company I helped found, and finally the passing of my boss and mentor (Dr. Richard Ewing) at Texas A&M. The angel left me when I gave it away. I was dating a woman who had had one of the most painful and tragic lives of anyone one I had ever known. I won't reveal her story to respect her anonymity. But what happened was that one day I awoke early in the morning being motivated to give her Laurie's angel. I had the strong urge that she needed the angel much more than I did, even though it was my most prized possession. I also gave her a painting that my mother had painted for me when I was in my teens.

Of course when this relationship ended I had thoughts of taking the angel back. But I had decided that the angel was really powerful and that my urging from my heart had to be honored. So, I guess, this woman still has the angel.

Laurie tells my new partner Martha to get a new angel

I have never been one to visit psychics or astrologers or anything of the like. However, early in 2008, while in Colombia a friend of Martha's suggested we visit a young woman named Rosie. Our friend, who is an educated woman (working on a PhD) and her husband, also a university professor vouched for Rosie's special talents. This woman is able to see/experience other people's past lives, see energy auras and has other psychic abilities. The "reading" about Martha and my past lives and current connections was astounding. However, the visit from Laurie's spirit was what really blew my mind. It gave validity to the whole "reading" experience.

Near the end of the session Rosie said that I had been accompanied into the session by two spirits. The first ones name started with the letter "L". Rosie does not speak any English so I suspect she didn't quite understand the name Laurie (in Spanish the name is Laura). The second spirit's name started with "R". I suspect this might be have Richard, (Dr. Richard Ewing). As a side note, Dr. Ewing's untimely death had had a devastating effect on me, I suspect the "straw the broke the camels back" for me to make a dramatic life change to leave the university and pursue my dream. I had my whole future mapped out to assist Dr. Ewing with his important work. The impact was enough that I was compelled to leave the University and my career as an academic.

Rosie said that this spirit, Laurie, had been persistently trying to share something. When Martha translated the message as "I'm Sorry!", Rosie immediately said "NO!". Then in broken English, Rosie said "Forgive Me". When I heard this I was totally bowled over. In fact, I think I began to cry. (If you saw the poem I wrote to Laurie in 1997 you will see why, in the I Am Sharing book).

But things got even stranger. Laurie then asked me why I had lost the angel. Now, I had not told anyone about my giving the original angel away. In fact, I had been embarrassed by my spontaneous giving away of possibly the most prized family possession, especially after the relationship ended. I told Martha quickly what Laurie was referring to. Rosie continued to speak about Laurie telling her that Martha had an assignment. She was supposed to replace the angel. Laurie provided specific instructions about the look, size and that it was not going to be expensive or "fancy". The most important characteristic was that the angel was supposed to be "cute and small". And, even more interestingly, that the angel would be given to her.

Needless to say this experience is really outside of what I would ever expect. But I cannot deny that this is as real as any other experience I have had. There is absolutely no way that Rosie or Martha could have known about Laurie, the angel, or especially that I had given the angel away. It was my secret.

After this, Martha and I went to several shops trying to find the right angel with no luck. Nearly six months had passed with no angel. Then I traveled back to the states. When I returned in Nov. 2008 Martha had forgotten to tell me that she had found the angel.

Apparently, she had been visiting her cousin's daughter, Antonia (she is six years old). Martha was in her bedroom and saw a small figurine amongst several toys. It caught her attention immediately. Martha then said, "and what is this"? Antonia said "if you really like it I can give it to you." Martha said "I do like it". Antonia handed the figurine to Martha without hesitation.

When Martha showed me the angel I knew - this is Laurie's new angel for Me! And it was a "gift!"

Settling for the Best

The great thing about making up my mind
Is to realize what there is to find
The immensity and the wonder
Beyond what we consider blunder
That is ours, free for the taking
Of this there is no mistaking
That the gifts that are blessed upon
You, me, all of them are way beyond
What previously my thoughts allowed
But in recognition of what´s been bestowed
Through the organ of consciousness
The integration of your blessedness
The administration faculties of bliss
That if you allow yourself a glimpse
Of just a tiny portion of what is here to assist
You in this adjustment, this time of change
That there are energies far beyond the range
of what your thoughts, dreams and emotions
Previously limited in-kind by your devotions
Now, simply open up
So easy, it´s really enough
A flow of light
Bandwidths of eternal might
Sharing, Expressing, Cascading, Expanding
To re-alize, re-congnize, you are just the One
And all of this, as crazy as it seems, can just boil down to fun.

Love Comprehension Experience

From my blog archives.

My brother Mark shared the following some time ago "Andy, focus on the Love and everything else will fall in place". I believe this is one of the most profound and impact-full things we can do.

The other day I did an exercise. I began thinking about how much love I have for my daughter. Then I thought about another, and another, and another. At the same time I brought the feeling I have for the person into my experience. That feeling from my heart. I even thought about those people who are not in my life that I still love deeply and profoundly. In fact, as I felt the love, I realized that for each person the breadth and depth of the love I felt to be boundless. Then I expanded the exercise as I thought about people whom I haven't met that I want to share in the peace and joy and abundance that I experience. Those people whom might be suffering in whatever form.             (Serena's mouse)

I have learned suffering is transitory and not ultimately necessary, except to push me toward Love. So it too is good!

Then I expanded my "Love Comprehension Experience" to all the living things that make my experience here on Gaia so incredible: the air, wind, birds, insects, flowers, rocks, water, the planet, the cosmos, etc, etc., etc. It helped me realize that the capacity I have for Love is boundless. And, if I send boundless love out, by Law, it is reflected back. So I really am absolutely, beyond comprehension, immersed and supported by infinite Love. WOW! If that is the case, why would I be afraid? Silly Andy! Just focus on the Love and everything will be perfect, as it already was until I began to think differently.Imagine if a whole bunch of people began "paying attention" like this?

Your Promise

Rejoice, Rejoice, Rejoice
For All That Is, Is
And so are You
The Grandest Dream
The Purest Vision
The Deepest Pain
Is Now Yours and Forever
To experience the knowing, the feelings
To see the sublime, the nature
The All That Is and is not
And to know, feel, experience
That this Is, is nothing
in the total, the One-ness, the Love
that brings this forth, and dissolves it
and also creates the field for these actions
these creations to ebb and flow, to breathe, to Be
Oh Spectacular One Why Me?
How could I be so blessed to see
To feel this rapture, this Love?
Oh My God!!
To know that what I experience in this
flesh, so exquisite, so tortuous, so real
is as a grain of sand in all the worlds
in all the cosmos, in infinite universes
this is what I know, and what I
don´t know will be mine too
because that is Your promise
for me to return, to You
And be Born Again in Eternity
Thank You!!!!

Your Dreams

August 13, 2010

Embrace Your Dreams
Be Your Dreams
know Your Dreams
their creation
their giving
their passion
are what you were intended to create
These experiences, these visions
Are the Dreams of the Love on the One
Invited to be expressed, shared, manifested
Through the Love placed in Your heart
Directly from Source as the Divine repository
Only there can that immensely, fantabulously unique
Spark be represented and presented in the pure form
in which it was created
it is Yours, only Yours
but only experienced, cherished, created
by your discovery, nourishment, beholding
the journey of your life
Your primary task
is to find this Spark, this Star
of my Love
and present it back to me
through your world
through your sharing
through your peace
as a gift to All That Is

Our Video Game

Fear is a program that has been installed in our collective Being. What you fear is not real. The only true power is Love. If you don´t like something, just quit focusing and talking about it and it will go away. If you don´t do this then it is obvious that you have a lesson to learn from the experience that you are drawing to yourself. Examine it. Comtemplate.

We instill the fear program in our kids when they are 2-3 years old. They don´t come with it.

If God made a video game wouldn´t it be just like this? We´re making it up as we go along. I think it´s time to re-install the Love program and clear the cache of viruses, trojans and other unwanted stuff. God´s programming is more than sufficient to create all kinds of cool stuff and experiences.