I am not sure what is going to type out of me today. I feel compelled to pass on some thoughts that occurred to me. This morning as I was resting quietly with my baby girl in my arms my mind was drifting from one thought to another. As usual, they were of a mixed nature. Still, I am surprised to notice that I have what I might term judgmental thoughts. Pessimistic, or negative, as far as what I would prefer to hold in my consciousness. After all these years, I am surprised that this is the case. I have had various experiences and come to understand that everything is just One thing. As we have all heard from various religions, and yet the mainstream consciousness is that there is all this separateness. I look at this, I look at that, I feel this, I feel that. I think of some future time, or of the past.
It is interesting this experience. Of one thing looking at itself and
saying it is ugly, and really feeling a sense of disgust. Or anger. Or
any of the various "experiences" of separation and disconnect that seems
to be one of the main purposes of the human drama.
I have been working very, very diligently for many years to clear these
things. Mainly because I discovered that they don't serve me well. I
don't care for the feelings, and then after holding them the consequent
experiences. As our friend Wayne Cho, (www.loveworldrun.com)
the man who is running around the world told us in our first
conversation, that he felt that the one thing that leads to the greatest
peace is to discover no one is better or worse than anyone else. I
realized this some 30 years ago, early in my recovery process. It came
to me as many people suffer from being "ego maniacs with inferiority
complexes". We feel somehow less, so we tear other people down in order
to make ourselves feel better, but in doing so, because we really know
what we are doing, we feel worse about ourselves. This, I think, is why
drugs and alcohol are such a prevalent "solution" for many. An attempt
to blot out the feelings of this perpetual conundrum.
This morning, as I lay there, it came to me again that "conscious deep
breathing" seems to be the only solution. If a person could rid
themselves of "negative", and self effacing activities, I should have
accomplished it by now. God knows I have been dedicated and sincere. But
still my thoughts are polluted. No matter how much meditation, study,
research, prayer I do - I am still so far off the mark. I want to live
in total peace. I want to see God, Love, the One in all around me. Only
pleasure at the glory of this magnificent creation and experience. The
only person I know that appears to operate from this space is Desmond
Green. And I have brought him very close into my life.
I am going to continue to focus on Conscious Deep Breathing. It has
accomplished so much, in the face of very challenging experiences. I
feel less inclined to react, to defend, to criticize. But I still have a
long ways to go. I know judging myself is part of the problem. I am
attempting to just be aware and eliminate those things that cause me
duress. I know I can trust my heart to show me the way, even though the
path in this world has made me look like I am crazy, or uncaring, or a
"bad dad". God knows that I have always done the best I can, truthfully.
And, I feel as I continue to trust this process as being exactly the
way it is supposed to be, it keeps getting more interesting, joyful, and
But no thought solution is going to get me to my desired destination. It
seems that the waters of the "thoughtmosphere" are just too polluted.
The other day I thought about "atmosphere", which is what science has
told us is all around us (root word atom). Then we have this idea of
"thought-mo-sphere", our collective reality created by a swirling ether
filled with thoughts - maybe similar to cyberspace. Now I have come to
"breath-o-sphere" - the one movement, of the ONE, creating the vast
array of energetic experiences, senses, thoughts and feelings that we
are here partaking of.
It's very nature proves that it does know what it is doing. How else
could all of this be held together, so perfectly, so real. So, as
Desmond has brought to me, I will continue to focus my attention on
trusting my breath, enjoying the show, and projecting my best
intentioned "breaths" into my creations, beginning in this now moment,
simply by appreciating and paying attention to my breath. This is my
creation, my life, and I intend to contribute the very best, loving,
peaceful and abundant thoughts, feelings, words and actions fueled by
the Source breath that is moving in and out of me, now, one conscious
deep breath at a time. Based on the increasing clarity, and awareness
that I have been experiencing just over the past few months, it is
evident that a new program is riding on my breath, to give me a new
operating system. I am very ready because this life has sure been full
of its share of challenges, which I have come to appreciate greatly
because I wouldn't be right where I am, if it weren't for everything
playing out just the way it did.