Life seems to be about settling, or satisfying this yearning. Ultimately I believe its for a true experience of what we believe, or think, is God. But why this yearning for something that is truly everywhere? This has been the answer, the conclusion, the solution to all my questions, seeking, yearning - to those deep, slow burning questions that I have inside. There are many, or have been. It all came down to the statement when I took the risk to step out of the game - "I want more!!" I yearn to know the "God thing", "how do I fit?", "how does it work?", "why?"
But if it is already here, in everything, why do I have to go somewhere, or seek, or do? I guess it is the nature of the experience here - in this we call "life". I also seek happiness, peace, appreciation - is this the same desire for God? After all of the acquisition of things, experience, knowledge it has always been followed by a "neediness" for more. That experience has become "wanting" - there is a bitter taste it has left behind. Some thing in my heart tells me that "doing" any more will leave me dissatisfied - "Doing" in the sense of expecting some external reward - money, prestige, recognition. Of course I like to be noticed - I think we all do. But after stacking up a bunch of paper, or numbers, or words I found there wasn't much satisfaction. The satisfaction, now, comes from just the act of Sharing. It's kind of like "Being" for me. I've done a lot of stuff, gotten some answers, or more questions, but it's fun to just Share. But how can I put a price on that? It does seem to be the most important game in the world. I used to play Monopoly. But it did get boring. I found the reward of winning to not be worth the anxiety of "wanting" to win.
What is a fragrant flower blooming in a dew covered meadow worth? Or the laughter of children? To become like a child offers the chance to enter the Kingdom?
I've really lost interest in putting a price on what I do. The numbers game has really come to bore me. Does a tree trust that the Earth will still be here to hold its roots? Do I question each day whether the "science" of the electrons of my body will still operate in balance, or even the galaxies? Why this lack of trust in what we call human affairs?
I depend on nature for my lessons. When I go outside the elements and living things seem pretty peaceful - always moving, yet peaceful. Even the stars or the elements in my body seem in balance - at least it feels that way. I have learned that everything is living and dying - but that is just the natural process of things. The interesting thing is the consistency of the consciousness of the feeling of being me. I've been told I go lots of other places but I don't really remember, clearly.
I can tell my appreciation for what is, has been, is expanding. Sometimes the joy, the ecstacy that seems to emanate from my heart is increasing. I have learned a lot in this lifetime - and now I know I really know nothing. But my yearning to be one with God has expanded too. And yet now I know that I can't ever be out of God - so, I guess, I am really yearning to Be, here, Now - because, I guess I am - at least this part I am aware of. I'm pretty sure God really is taking care of everything. At least the last time I checked he/she/it was.
I'm just thinking I'm just going to Share my stuff - I don't know what else to do. I'll let someone else put a value to it. It just feels good to Share. Others can take it or leave it. I like my stuff. Sometimes it really surprises me. Not many other people seem to notice. Ah, what the hell. I'm not very good at marketing and advertising - well, actually I just don't want to play that game either - I can be pretty good. I don't play Monopoly, chess or video games either.
I guess I'm just becoming a boring old guy. I like to think about God, life and how to feel peaceful and really happy - how do I avoid feeling angst, or frustration or anger? What can I do to help others to feel happy? I like this stuff now. I don't really know how to put a price on those things. I don't really want to "raise money" to do them either. This game just has really gotten boring to me. And it seems to cause a lot of angst. I guess I'm screwed because many people tell me that I have to play the game just to live. Hmmmm . . ., this is quite the conundrum . . . . What am I gonna do?